As we all know, Ben Roethlisberger has been accused yet again of sexual assault. I’m sorry, scratch that; he is accused of either sexual assault or “sexual manipulation”. The last time he was accused was July of 2009. Congrats Ben, your on your way to becoming a registered sex offender! Just like this guy: (they kinda look alike, don't they?)
Now, crime and NFL players go together like peas in a pod. They have this funny love hate relationship: the players love to get themselves in trouble, but Roger Goodell hates to punish them. Apparently, Goodell has the intention of talking with Roethlisberger. Good, a nice stern talking to is all it takes to change the ways of a sexual deviant, right? Goodell says he “takes the situation very seriously” and is very “concerned Ben continues to put himself in this position”. I would be concerned too Roger, I might even suspend him indefinitely…naaaaaah. Come on, Ben’s middle name is Todd, how harmful could he be?
Not only does Mr. Goodell seem to have the best intentions for half-retarded sex offenders, but the owner of the Capital City nightclub in Georgia does as well, along with the GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation). Carl Cansino, the owner, said the security video from the night of the assault was recorded over after the club’s manager, Rocky Duncan, had watched it. The GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation) was unable to retrieve the video as well. WOOPS! No more evidence for the prosecutors.
Now, normally I’d think something fishy was going on, but I think the employees at Capital City just might have been stupid enough to record over the security video. I can see the ignorance now…
(Rocky Duncan and investigators watching the security video, focusing on two smoking hot 18 year-old twins, missing the blatant sexual crime occurring in the bottom left hand corner)
Rocky: Woooo golly, that there is one fine piece of ass!
Investigator 1: She sure is purdy, and look at the hooters on her sister!
Investigator 2: What were we watching this video for again?
Rocky: Shut up! It’s getting to the good part!
(The two twins start grinding on the dance floor, while Roethlisberger gets away with yet another sexual crime…the tape ends)
Investigator 1: Hey Rocky, my wife’s gosh darn Tivo broke again. You think I can borrow one of these blank tapes?
Rocky: Hell, just take this one. I forget what it was for anyway. (Rocky hands him the security tape, and Investigator 1 returns home to record King of the Hill)
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not too surprised the GBI was unable to recover the footage. It’d be tough to recover security footage when your technological abilities stop at accessing email (is there even email access in Georgia?). Anyways, if you’re ever in Georgia, watch out, ‘cause these guys might really be the boss-men of the GBI:
Check out these articles for more news on Roethlisberger: "Roethlisberger video no longer exists", "Roethlisberger’s Conduct Draws the Ire of Goodell"
Adios,
Breeneback
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